It's quite the bittersweet dichotomy.

On the one hand, maybe I could have worked harder to find a job so I could afford the bookings needed to go to Boston.

On the other hand, I've never had a graduation experience that left me satisfied. What should be the most cathartic moment becomes frustrating as I see strangers' faces around me and realize that literally no one knows me.

My 4.0 GPA across three different programs (associate's, bachelor's, and master's) matters more for bragging rights than they would in graduation.

But this time is a bit different.

I know at least some of my peers, and even though I haven't done the best job staying in touch due to my deepening mental health issues throughout this year, I still care for many of the people whom I met.

What I know, though, is that this was still a moment that should have been mine.

So, I can't help but imagine what it would have been like to be there.

A different city.

With some people I know.

And even more people to meet.

As if.

As if I were a social butterfly who didn't mind being around people, not the reclusive person I have become.

As if I could go somewhere without a mask.

As if I likely wouldn't be hyperventilating and experience some god-awful level of sensory hell.

But still.

I can imagine.

I can hope.

I can dream.

Of special moments.

Being with special people.

But maybe in another life.

And maybe,

Just maybe,

It's time to start moving forward with a new life.

A new reality for me to inhabit.

Original source at Fornesus Platform: https://meet.fornesus.com/posts/45

So many things, left unsaid.

So many feelings, emotions left to wither away.

Too nervous to say anything, and feel outwardly.

Too insecure to truly know myself, yet too self-aware not to notice that there’s always something wrong.

Love and friendship lost to time,

The dread of fear debilitates me

From taking on the things in life

I should’ve claimed as mine.

Will they even remember me?

Will they even care for me?

Did they even think about me?

Did they even want me back in their busy lives?

So many things that I’ve wanted to say,

To the people of my past

Since time went by too fast

I feel like nothing but a victim, trying to cast it all away.

Running, swerving,

I’d do anything to get away from the current life I lead,

And the breath I breathe is wasted, doing no good deed

By never mentioning the things, those things I left unsaid.

They told me back when I was young about the impact of my actions

And they told me how to live my life and limit my reactions.

But, the darkest truth that I behold

Remain to be the very things,

They’ll never truly get to know

These things I left unsaid.

I define myself,

But others can also define me.

No one is an individual without the input of their environment

And the humans that comprise it.

We are all a product of our environments, our families, our genetics, and our communities.

However, we can also define how these factors impact the trajectories of our lives.

We were meant to have our own agency,

To exert our ability to be free to be ourselves.

And to provide for ourselves exactly what is necessary for our individuality to thrive for the sake of the collective.

Identity is the quintessential combination of the individual and collective.

On the individual, identity is given a distinct flavor as it is also influenced by all of the other identities and qualities and traits that influence the individual.

As a result, this provides every single identity with a diversity of thought, experiences, and that of others that inherently strengthen the communities that identities create.

This is the power of identity.

Identity allows us to express ourselves,

And become a part of communities,

And allows us to further exert the intrinsic value of their inherent humanity.

As it stands, no identity is superior,

And no identity can excuse malevolence,

Identity is simply neutral,

And the fight to keep identities alive is a matter of survival for communities.

Identity is something that every human experiences.

Whether identity is based on gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity or religion is irrelevant.

These human experiences are, inherently, valuable as the individual humanities of members of these communities are inherently meaningful and intrinsically valuable.

Thus, I choose to redefine my identity to give others the permission to do the same for themselves.

To set an example that our individuality does not coincide with our communities.

Diversity strengthens us by allowing us to fully embrace what is intrinsically natural to our humanity

Rather than demanding that we comply with the wishes of ruling elites who want nothing more but to extract our true wealth, knowledge, and freedoms for their bottom line.

Individuality and community are complements,

Not enemies.

And this is why identity is powerful,

As it helps us define ourselves and our communities.

We are each a special, unique, and one-of-a-kind flavor of our identities.

Yet, we are also a part of our various communities.

We must treasure and honor this reality by allowing ourselves to live as freely as possible,

Defy the consequences,

And deny those who demand conformity the ability to exert influence over our actions.

Only this way can we realistically bring about the necessary changes to this world.

To make it better.

To make it stronger.

And to preserve it for future generations.

Go to fornesus at WordPress for Version 1 and fornesus at Medium for Version 2.

I also attend university online, remotely.

As always, I had been pondering what to do with my life, and (between insecurity and career pressures) realized that “upskilling” would be a good idea for me.

However, after a few months of using Coursera, DataCamp, FreeCodeCamp, Codecademy, and a plethora of other platforms along the way, I realized that, while I love the self-starter route, I need another way to upskill.

Having ADHD and OCD creates the lovely combination of perfectionism and distraction, to where I enter this toxic cycle of starting something, becoming frustrated, then leaving the project for another hobby, barely finishing as I’m scared of failure to the point that I never try to begin with.

So, while I have probably started a million Medium and WordPress articles, websites, art pieces, and other projects, combined, I seldom finish any of these things.

When was the last time that I really finished something? When I had a deadline that wasn’t self-imposed. I won 6 first and second place ribbons at the local county fair because there was a deadline for submitting artwork, I finish projects at work since there are deadlines, I finish class assignments because there are deadlines, none of which are actually imposed my me.

So, naturally, this led me to going back to school, as the Coursera deadlines weren’t enough for me to motivate myself, I needed more and I also needed to see the results of my labor ASAP, as is the case with work or making art.

Joining Boston University’s first online offering for its MS in Data Science was the decision that I made because I was attracted to the allure of project-based learning for an MS program, which has proven to be the case (so far) after a semester in the program.

Since joining this program I realized that I, indeed, knew what I was doing when I chose to go to a school known for grade deflation when the program, itself, is focused on deliverables rather than tests and quizzes.

After my last attempt at an MS degree (which I decided to quit due to moral reasons dealing with the school, Liberty University), I worked on project, after project, a portfolio of which led me to my current role.

Now that I’m in a position, once again, where I may need to find new income sources and possibly a new career path, I am in need to create projects for my portfolio — talk about killing two birds with one stone.

So, although the material is very dense and difficult, the project focus allows me to better realize and remember the end goal — create a viable portfolio for a career path that I will love.

I’m also flirting with the idea of possibly going back to grad school for a PhD in political science, or a related field, to obtain domain knowledge and contribute to the field in a practical, data analytic manner.

This way, I may be able to tap into academia and position myself as a data scientist with a PhD.

So, even though I may be experiencing external pressures from the job market and from financial strain in life, I need to continue to hope, dream and pursue.

I am autistic and, according to at least some data, our life span runs between 39 to 52 in the West. This is half to 2/3 of the lifespan of the average person.

I have no more time to waste and spend merely coping, as a 31 year old autistic person.

It is time for me to prioritize myself as, at this point, I am well beyond the midlife point for the average person like myself.

Sure, I may end up an exception. As a Filipino, autistic, queer, non-binary, chronically-ill person with ADHD and OCD, I have always been different — call me the exception in many ways.

But pardon me if I feel that it is important to understand my own mortality, and ponder upon it.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us, but it’s about time that I at least begin to think about what I want future generations to think about me.

Or what my loved ones may think about me when the time comes that I, too, reach the end.

And I can think of nothing more than doing what makes me happy.

Considering how much data I look up on a regular basis, whether it be data on population decline in Japan and South Korea, or the potential impacts of colonization on metrics, such as IQ, I love learning about.

And what I love the most about learning is understanding the data — even though I have taken it for granted for so long.

So, if I’m going to have a career for the rest of my life, whether it be a long life or one that ends prematurely, I want to make sure that I am understanding and analyzing the data that matters the most to me.

And I also want a reason to keep engaging in my passions for art and websites.

I want to use my unique, very expansive, and adaptable perspective to perceive, analyze, and utilize data to create new knowledge while, at the same time, living a full life where I mend my regrets.

So, of course, I will continue to pursue data, but I will also pursue art and web development.

This year, I will do my best to graduate with my MS in Data Science, and maybe next year, I’ll simultaneously obtain employment in Data Science or, to ensure flexibility, become my own data science firm.

Though I may be willing to sacrifice the comfort that comes with a Fortune 500 job or the time that I have when I’m not pursuing a degree from a Top 100–150 school in the world, I will gain crucial skills and knowledge, as I plan to do so for the rest of my life even outside of a school environment.

In short, I am 31 now, and pursuing a graduate school degree to propel myself, my future, and my potential legacy.

And, honestly, on Friday, I was actually searching for potential career paths that I may be interested in.

I had no idea that political methodology was a field that I could enter, even though I was pouring hours on the Cook PVI for individual counties right after the past two elections here in the US.

The possibilities for someone like me are legitimately endless, and maybe it takes a little bit of bravery on my end to fulfill something that is actually fulfilling for me.

My current role at work is supposed to be a data analyst, but I'm constantly being pushed to do more.

Now, doing more is something I voluntarily do, as is the case with this role, but the problem comes from wanting more output from me while taking away my resources and ability to work properly.

My company has just instilled a return-to-work mandate and, as someone who is going to school, this is not the news that I wanted to hear.

My ability to not sit through traffic for two hours a day (except for one day a week) is what has allowed me to do as well as I have done.

And I also have known that I do NOT want to stay at my current job.

So, between this seeming devaluation of my work, the apparent "writing on the wall" that my accommodations that allow me to work from home for most of the week will be taken away at some point this year, and the fact that I cannot envision myself working another year at this company - yes, I may just quit this current role.

I have no idea what's in store for me this year.

But what I do know is that I am 31. While many people would consider this to be on the older side, in today's job market with people of longer, and longer lifespans, I know for a fact that a career change at 31 will allow for an, overall, better career trajectory than if I were to wait 5 or 10 years.

I'm also a millennial (later side but still), and our milestones aren't exactly consistent.

I'm sorry, but I don't value being a homeowner as much as I do my legacy, my future, and my actual potential not being wasted doing a corporate job that exhausts me for no reason other than the busy work that I'm assigned.

Money may not be as much of an issue if I were to tow the company line, come into the office (that's scheduled to host more people) to risk my health (I'm immunocompromised) for 3 days a week, and get used to it.

But doing this will also give me 2 days less every week to be my full, authentic self. I'm autistic, putting on a facade for 18 hours a day will not make me more productive, it will leave me irritated.

And I'll also likely fall ill far more easily.

I'll also have less time for school simply because I'll spend more time in traffic.

Unacceptable.

Demoralizing.

Demeaning.

It will not happen.

Call me spoiled, call me whatever you want.

But I know that I'm talented, smart, and I have potential, and I have already proven my worth and value.

If this company does not want to respect this, then it is simply good bye and "make sure you wait for my complaint with the EEOC (because it is illegal not to grant a reasonable accommodation in the US)".

If this company wants to join the rest in failing their employees and losing their talent, then fine by me.

I am not defined by the company that I work for.

I can only allow myself to be defined by the work that I do and by what I make of myself in this world.

And so I'm, more or less, done with the idea of being a corporate pencil pusher - figuratively speaking.

So, in preparation, I have began to purchase annual subscription plans for the most important services, such as the hosting plans for my portfolio and potential business websites, to ensure that I am prepared to freelance if needed.

I have purchased several VoIP phone numbers to ensure continuity if I were to need to move out of the country for cost of living reasons.

I switched my carrier for my second device to Tello from Visible because I can easily downgrade to Tello's $8 a month plan to keep a US line of service for SMS messages while having unlimited calls that I can use via WiFi calling (without roaming, I promise this isn't an ad).

I will continue to take the steps that I need to take to ensure my future. This MS program will provide me with long-term benefits that are just too good to pass up and, unlike with my job, I can make mistakes and it won't irreparably harm my ability to continue.

And I may just write more, produce more content, make more art, work on my websites, and have the time to explore my interests.

Yes, it will be hard to move to the Philippines with my parents (my backup plan) as I was born in and never left the US, but my future is worth it.

Yes, it will be hard not to be able to buy from Amazon every single day, but my future is worth it.

Yes, it will be hard to watch other people my age progress in their careers dutifully while I ponder my next steps, but my future is worth it.

Yes, it will be hard to tell all of my loved ones why they will need to call or text a different number from now on (if I don't end up buying a new Tello line and transferring my existing number there), but my future is worth it.

I have spent so much time stuck in the past, but my future is worth fighting for.

A brighter future on my terms is what will bring me happiness.

It will always be my priority to make sure that I maximize my future, my legacy, and my ability to be myself.

February 2024:

I have spent far too much time worried about the way that others perceive me.

I have tried everything in my power to undo what I believe are “bad behaviors” and have tried to do more “positive” things with my life.

But, every time I do this, I feel a part of me dying, soon, lacking the capacity to be happy and suffering with the chronic depression that I have now.

However, in December of 2023, I made the choice to join Coursera which, alone, can help many people reach their professional and personal goals due to the rich array of subject matters that you can learn there.

For me, the value really wasn’t the coursework, it was the shift in mindset that it has given me. I no longer believe that I am in zero control of my life or my future and, while these things still scare the hell out of me, I at least understand that I can live a good life and see my own value.

As a chronic people pleaser, it’s very difficult for me not to want to take others’ advice, even when it’s completely inapplicable to me or my goals.

But what I never regret is learning how to do things, and so joining Coursera has opened up mental doors and an innate curiosity that I thought had died in me long ago.

January 2025:

But that wasn’t enough, because the chronic people pleaser in me always wins at the end of the day, but they also end up taking me on adventures that I didn’t realize that I was capable of taking.

This post is being revisited by your’s truly almost a year later.

Losing Coursera, and myself:

So, I ended up slacking off with Coursera. When I lost my dog, Kiba, I lost my hope and love for life. I ended up using several gambling apps and lost several hundred dollars, though not before I caught myself before I could lose more. Two of the apps were for solitaire, while another one was technically a legitimate, though addictive, photography game app wherein I learned a lot about photography in a short period of time.

However, I soon realized that I simply used the platform as a way to honor Kiba as so many of the photos that I submitted were of her, and so when these photos would not get the recognition that I believed that they deserved, I felt hurt.

So I quit. Hundreds of dollars later, I just deleted my account, even though I technically won a few features here and there. I knew that I wasn’t a “real” photographer in that mindset, and I still am not, it just isn’t the time yet, though I know that the time will come, and it will not be out of grief but, rather, sheer curiosity, the way that everything good happens to me.

Cookie:

In any case, reeling from Kiba’s passing and my short-term addiction (to gambling apps) that resulted in dual reasons for deep bouts of anger, I ended up adopting another dog, Cookie. Though she’s a lot closer to my parents, I have learned to calm down again, I have learned to love again, and I have learned to do so while honoring Kiba. She’s also a bit of a hassle in that she’s brilliant and, just yesterday, learned how to open my bedroom door, so now I have to worry about her waking me up prematurely like she did yesterday.

I know this sounds odd:

Anyway yes, I know, it sounds weird coming from someone who is now 31 years old (as an October baby, I was 30 for most of last year) but I have only felt deep love and affection from animals vs. humans. First it was Mayu, Kiba’s sister who passed away in 2016, then it was Kiba, and now, Cookie.

I now have a meditation habit that I have kept up since late March of last year, something that I never thought that I could actually do. Though I still have bouts of anger (perfectionism sucks when you have OCD), I at least understand how to control it in most situations and, for the most part, I feel a lot better now about my relationship with meditation vs. before Kiba’s passing.

My guilt, however, is that Kiba was subject to years of seeing me angry and having meltdowns. I’m autistic, I literally can’t help it, and I wish that I could. But at least Cookie’s getting to know who I am without meltdowns and, to be honest, she’s a lot more fussy than I am on average.

Another ritual that I have kept up has been talking to Kiba every day. My parents drove 40 miles (and back) on the day that Kiba passed away (which was the same day that I had an outpatient sinus surgery) to have her cremated as I feared that I would lose this house and not be able to hold Kiba again (because that’s what happened when we lost our house in 2018, and the new owner has, since, desecrated my grave for Mayu according to Google Maps).

This has been an important practice as the only beings in this world that I truly trust are now gone. Even if it makes zero sense, at least speaking to Kiba every day means that I get to share my highs and lows with her, even though she’s gone, and I don’t even have to go outside to do it either.

Finding Myself in Data:

So, in the year since, I applied for and was admitted into graduate school for programs in Data Science, Computer Information Systems, and Information Technology. I chose to move forward with a Master’s in Data Science program at Boston University’s Faculty of Computing and Data Sciences.

Why do any of this? Well, in February of last year, I decided that I wanted to become a data analyst, and then work caught wind of this and I ended up performing data analytic projects well beyond what I had previously thought to be my scope. And so I thought, “why not push further?” and I did.

Of course, I was nervous, it took me so long to submit that first application because “what if?” What if I get rejected? What if I don’t do well in the program?

And then my grandmother passed, my last living grandparent. And then I started to remember my grandfather, and all of the aspirations that my grandparents had for me. Do I owe them a legacy?

Probably not.

But I owe myself the same belief that they had in me.

The weekend after my grandmother passed away, I submitted my first application to Boston University’s Metropolitan College, whose online CIS program is ranked in 8th place amongst all online IT programs in the US. A few weeks later, I got in. I also managed to apply for Kennesaw State University’s MSIT program (ranked 22nd) and was also admitted, and I also applied for Florida State University’s MSIT program (ranked 9th) and was also eventually admitted in late-August.

Then I realized that “Hey, I actually like this data stuff, wouldn’t it make more sense to try to join a program in that?”, and so I took a $90 risk and applied for Boston University’s online MS in Data Science program, an experimental program (literally the first time they’ve offered it).

I got in.

Now, this was a bit complex since I had already accepted the offer from BU MET, however, I also knew that this program would probably suit me better (it does). I, then, had to make the difficult decision to rescind my acceptance to BU MET (which was met with a surprisingly emotionally charged email about how they can still offer other classes to me) and, next, I ended up joining BU CDS.

It has been rough as, between school and things changing at work, I have been juggling with so much.

Why I need a change:

Because, despite working full time and dealing with various changes at work, I maintained a 4.0 GPA this semester. I’m beyond surprised even at myself for being able to do this. I had no idea that I had it in me, even though I graduated with a 4.0 GPA from university, but only received a Bachelor of Arts degree, not an Master of Science degree.

Meanwhile, despite having accommodations at work, there are clear signals that I may lose them, even though they are necessary for me to be able to do my job in the first place. This is, by the way, against the law here in the US according to the ADA, but a large company doesn’t care about this as they have unlimited resources, right?

But I have to care about my mental health and career prospects. So, while most people would disagree, I am positioning myself as someone who will have to quit my job or be laid off (as there are currently rounds of layoffs coming as well), for the sake of my future.

Between this entire situation, being fully capable of doing work, even in academia perhaps, and my growing distaste of my home state of Texas, there are clear signs that I need a change from my current environment and situation, especially as continuing to live here means that my family will be perpetually $2k in the hole every month, which sounds ridiculous but it is unfortunately where I am in my life with my family (my parents, Cookie, and your’s truly).

My parents want me to tough out the situation as, to them, it is more important to maintain short-term survival but, for myself, I am dedicated to my future - even with short term pain.

I may not know what’s in store for my 2025, but what I do know is to trust myself, as my intuition has always done right by me. It doesn’t matter that my company is in the Fortune ___, I am not simply defined by my company. I have hopes, dreams, and goals in this life to aspire to and, while maybe the American dream is dead for me, my backup option is to go to the land of my ancestors: the Philippines, where the cost of living is affordable and where disabled Philippine citizens are eligible for free healthcare options.

It is still taking some convincing to let my parents understand that this is what’s best for my future as being $2k in the hole every month, wasting away at a corporate job that doesn’t truly value me or is willing to accommodate me, and proving to myself just how beyond competent I am at learning new material, concepts, and things, I need to stop settling and allow myself to thrive - even if it means going back to Square One.

The trap of sunk cost

Sunk cost fallacy entraps us, as it fools us into believing that all decisions (and their consequences) are permanent. I have fallen into the trap several times in my adult life, but I have also gotten myself out of this same trap. I know better than to believe that settling is the best option, even if it may risk my family’s life here and even if others may call it selfish.

I would rather be happy. I would rather stop myself from the suicidal ideation that takes so many autistic lives every year (hence, why our life span is between 39 and 52 years old). I would rather be more educated, and explore, and be innovative. I’m done with simply playing it safe, as this strategy has taken some of the best years of my life away from me while developing into physical and mental ailments that I am still suffering from to this day.

The trap of sunk cost made me believe that I was not good enough to live a fulfilling life.

Freedom from this trap means that I see myself as worthy of living such a life without compromising my morals, health, and wellness in the ways that I do in my current role.

Of course, I’m not unreasonable.

If I do, indeed, keep my accomodations, this will go a long way towards empowering me to continue in my current role, but the every few month window of “review” is a source of perpetual uncertainty so long as I stay where I currently am.

The mantra of not being “a work from home company” is, not only disconcerting but, also, worries me about the long-term viability of the company, itself.

Considering that work from home provides an unequivocal net gain for productivity (including those gains that I have seen in my own work) and remote work has been found to result in more competitive operations, there is no excuse for any company to operate in such a manner to where they are willing to risk breaking the law (in this regard) to tow the company line.

This difference in values and expectations between what’s possible for me and my health conditions and what is deemed “necessary” for compliance places me at a pivotal crossroads in my career.

Stay with a “respected” company that doesn’t seem to respect its workers just because it pays well, or find my own path as I should have done in my 20’s but was deprived of the opportunity just because I took on the burden of supporting my parents and myself?

So, what’s next?

Well, hopefully this means that I can find a different position in life.

Hopefully this means that I will maintain high grades.

Hopefully this means that I will be in a better job situation and have less familial debt.

Hopefully, I will understand what it means to be truly happy, and free to be me.

Salamat para sa pagbabasa niyo (Thank you for reading).

Best regards,

Fornesus

Of course, there is scientific data to prove just that.

Loneliness is considered to be just as deadly as being idle for long periods of time.

So, as a perpetually lonely person who, even in a crowded room, struggles to make connections.

I know that I might die young.

And I also might not die happy.

But my thoughts, feelings, and existence are important anyway.

Loneliness, however, has been demonized in so many different ways with the same conclusion:

You need to be extroverted.

You need to make connections.

You need to talk to people.

And why?

Because it’s how every ounce of productivity can and will be squeezed out from you.

That is ultimately the bottom line.

That, if you’re an introvert, it doesn’t matter what your boundaries are, what your comfort level happens to be in a given social situation.

Society literally cannot function without your participation and, by refusing to participate for any number of reasons…

You lose social capital.

You lose the ability to be seen as part of “the norm”.

You lose the agency to be able to be yourself because being your introverted self is counterintuitive to societal notions of personhood.

If you’re introverted, you perpetually have to fight every fiber of your being just to exist in most societies.

Whether you live under authoritarian rule or in a so-called “individualist” society, you likely have to struggle with being seen as a contributor to public life and culture, regardless.

You aren’t just allowed to be yourself and exist in a reclusive manner and, in fact, you will be pathologized by every institution possible.

Even if you are naturally this way, it’s not socially acceptable, hence, you need to change.

Everything from work, school, family, friends, etc. demand that you change, as if no one in these groups actually knows you.

And as if this is the perfect way to live for everybody.

Loneliness is not a good thing.

We know that.

We know that loneliness can be… well, lonely.

No one wants to be alone, right?

Wrong.

I do. I definitely wish that I could be a bit more lonely and this being a socially acceptable thing.

I thrive on loneliness, so long as I remain rooted in reality.

And, in all honesty, the world literally drove me into the loving embrace of loneliness by continuing to ostracize me and literally make me feel like I cannot be a good person by being a lonely, introverted and neurodivergent person.

My existence, boundaries, and perspective are not respected because I refuse to completely give in to these societal norms and notions of being a person.

These oppressive expectations that are placed upon me, despite being different, must be questioned.

Because, as much as social interaction benefits us…

Time alone can give us the revelations that we need to move forward in life,

Because, when you’re all alone and have no choice but to face your feared thoughts,

To face the trauma that caused you to be as lonely as you are in the first place…

You gain resilience,

And strength,

And persevere.

So try being lonely for a little bit, maybe even just a few minutes, if you can.

It might give you perspective on how to face this life in whatever you may be struggling with.

And, otherwise, it might show you that you’re struggling with something in the first place.

Just don’t overdo it because,

Of course,

We are still a social species,

And that’s ultimately why social connections are something that we all crave,

Even I crave them from time to time.

That’s why I write.

There are so many things that I see going against me, despite my attempts in multiple spaces, in various places, and different aspects of my life to “improve” (aka assimilate). But none have become fruitful.

The conclusion that I often feel is that people do not want to read anything that I write, listen to what I say, or care about my well-being, and it’s extremely frustrating.

For one, I graduated from both community college and university with a perfect GPA (4.0 in the US), secondly, I have all the empathy in the world for my fellow human, and, finally, my perspective is not at all common, though some can relate.

But when the knowledge, expertise, and creativity that I have spent years crafting, honing, and improving upon has seemingly led to very little, in terms of social and personal connections beyond my closest friends, I am unable to see the progress that I have made in this life since I was a bullied school kid, or the joy, awe, and inspiration that I have brought to fellow humans in the past.

CPTSD has stolen my ability to be grateful, to experience true joy, and to have empathy for myself with the constant barrage of doubt, fear, and insecurity, combined with my compulsion to prioritize people-pleasing over my needs. Combined with my already harmed self-esteem from lived experiences that I was subject to, I barely have trust in another soul.

But the worst part of all is that, even when I choose to entrust my fragile heart into the hands of another person, or try new things, every single time that I perceive that I have been rejected is a new chance at ego death.

When I read that my last post on here had zero people opening it?

Ego death and I seriously considered just quitting this platform.

When views on my social media videos or posts have little to no engagement?

Ego death and I stopped posting new content.

When people snub me for wearing a mask in public because I’m immunocompromised?

Ego death and I avoid people by retreating to a secluded space.

When I started receiving criticism of a photography assignment on Coursera because I didn’t properly read the instructions?

Ego death and I literally quit the class then and there.

As a result of so many letdowns by the world around me (even when they were valid), my already fragile self esteem, and resulting perception that my efforts aren’t truly valued in this life, my mental health is literally a wreck.

• I suffer from depression, specifically persistent depressive disorder.

• I have OCD, resulting in my becoming a perfectionist because I believe that being perfect is what I have to do to get noticed even though it has not actually worked out for me at all.

• I am an anxious wreck every time I do anything online that requires deep thought and reflection because what literally is the point of posting a single thing if no one cares? In general, I’m anxious about everything, including going outside.

• I have CPTSD because my body dysmorphia, history of being bullied, had constantly being told that I’m not good enough has traumatized in ways beyond repair to where I find it very difficult to function in the outside world.

As a result, I have trust issues, even with loved ones, acquaintances, and family, as well as a negative, twisted sense of self worth and self esteem.

I acknowledge that it isn’t necessarily my fault and that it isn’t necessarily any individual person’s fault either.

I also know, now, that ego death is something that people like myself have the tendency to experience after even basic forms of rejection after watching this YouTube video:

…and realizing that this is exactly what has happened to me as a neurodivergent, specifically autistic, ADHD, and OCD, individual.

Believing that I had to be as neurotypical as possible, and this narrative still being pushed onto me in every single aspect of my life is harmful.

Honestly, it all boils down to the standards and ideals that we use to judge each other by.

We judge people by Western, Eurocentric, cisheteronormative, neurotypical, popular culture, and other standards inspired by social norms rooted in colonial and feudal mentality - all of which are already unattainable to most people in this world but is especially unattainable to racialized, disabled, queer, and trans people in the West.

These societal expectations that we just have of people in the ways that they should conduct themselves in public, the ways that they should speak, write, or otherwise communicate, and even the ways that they should exist in this world or life, all boil down to the same conclusion:

That we will never be enough if we cannot fully live up to these standards to where the second-best thing to do is to uphold and enforce these standards to the next generation or to our peers.

And, for so long, this is what I attempted to do. But, as I have realized in living this life, it is not enough and that, of course, is by design.

We are socialized to uplift people who fit Eurocentric standards of attractiveness and youth culture, the cishet, Euro, abled standards of professionalism, presentation or discourse, and others who are, overall, seen as the ideal or, at least, ideal enough.

And, yes, of course there are movements and people working towards shifting this paradigm.

And, yes, we can say that these things don’t actually matter in the long-term.

And, yes, many people can, have, and will continue to minimize my own struggles out of a eugenicist-inspired need to apply toxic positivity towards the experiences of marginalized people.

But the truth is that it is 2024 and we know better, or at least have the access to the information necessary to shift our perspectives to understand that these issues are systemic, not personal.

Mental health is a societal imperative, not a personal responsibility.

We all have a communal commitment to each other to actually give a damn about the individual mental health and wellness, and overall health and wellness, of each person on this planet.

You may not be personally responsible for what happened to someone else, but you can make a very small difference in their day by simply smiling at them.

In the same way, when life has humbled you, it is not your sole responsibility to lift yourself up.

Humans are social creatures because the value of humanity is greater than the capacities, experiences, and lives that each of us live. Our power and strength comes from our ability to collaborate and cooperate, rather than to selfishly see ourselves as individuals who don’t need others.

Thus, we should no longer tolerate or accept apathy for the struggles of anyone, regardless of what it is that they are currently going through.

All of our struggles matter and should be acknowledged.

Individual and collective healing are the only way to make the world a better place, and that starts with giving a damn about your fellow human, whether they be a loved one or a stranger.

What the world needs has never been love, love has all-too-often been used as a sociopolitical tool to justify atrocious behavior anyhow.

What the world needs is empathy and understanding for every single person, group, and being.

Only by acknowledging the many things that individual people go through can we actually and truly understand them. And only by understanding each other can we work together for the common cause of coming up with the solutions necessary to transform this world.

It is 2024 and I have a lot of stuff to work through, but you probably do too.

So thanks for reading, take care, and let’s make 2024 an empathetic year.

Bonus content:

If you have made it to this point, here’s a bit of a treat because, on Thursday, I made the realization that my ability to dissociate was caused by my body dysmorphia and negative self-image, which resulted in my creating this AR effect for Facebook and Instagram.

My effects can be found when you search for “Fornesus” on the Effects library on Instagram and Facebook.

They claimed that I was stating the “right thing” but the wrong conclusion on a topic.

Then they stated that I was being ignorant for making the mindful connections between white supremacy and the general lack of empathy that we have all probably noticed, by now, in society.

Finally, after stating the breadth of information that I had to back my claim, they told me that “they didn’t have the time to read my Substack”.

I was like “huh? I’m literally neurodivergent and this is how I communicate”.

To which they replied “Ha! I’m neurodivergent too, but you’re not [this same exact identity of the person who authored the post] so your opinion’s irrelevant!”

To which my response was an immediate block, because it unfortunately takes a VERY long time for me to realize when a “debate” is meaningless.

But, anyway, who am I and why should you even read a single thing that I type?

Honestly, that’s for you to decide. But, hopefully, you’ve made it this far into this post and so maybe I have something to contribute after all to the social discourse.

And, also to be honest, that conversation resonated with me, and not because I found any value in that person’s opinion (though I’m sure that they’re lovely when they aren’t being ignorant about the role of white supremacy in the global context) but because I honestly don’t know if my opinion actually matters - yet, I have someone telling me that I should keep my opinions on my Substack.

So lo and behold, here it is. My opinion, on Substack, months later… Finally!

And there’s me with my dog.

That’s very important because, even though she isn’t trained to be an emotional support animal, she does a great job at being one, even at the age of 17.

…anyway…

I’m here because I have spent the vast majority of the 30 years that I have been on this earth believing that my life, words, thoughts, and perspectives are irrelevant. Even though many people, over the years, have seen value in it, I haven’t and, in fact, I often detach - from social media, from art, from my hobbies, and from people. I often feel so insecure from the general feelings of body dysmorphia and the many ego deaths that I go through on a regular basis that I refuse to value my perspective and, instead, use a deep-seeded resentment against humanity (despite my deep level of empathy that I can have for my fellow humans as well) as justification to dissociate and, as a result: detach.

And, as much as I would like to say that I’m completely over these feelings, this has been my perspective throughout my entire life - and the best that I can honestly do is to hope that enough good times come out of this life to counterbalance this existential, psychological, and emotional dread that I feel on a regular basis.

I am gay, queer, autistic, and have OCD, but these are things that I have known about myself for years. I am also nonbinary, Bakla (AMAB who sees ourselves as a third gender, per Filipino tradition), have ADHD, have moderate anxiety (that can become severe), have CPTSD (like I literally can’t pinpoint any one exact reason for this), and have PDD (persistent depressive disorder). I still have to live life just like anyone else and, as a result, I still want validation from my fellow human beings.

Validation.

What a nasty word in my vocabulary - I literally hate that I need validation, which leads me to defaulting to people-pleasing behavior 24/7.

But I also want to shift this narrative for a change.

Yes, I am human, I need validation, and I am part of a social species. We are all attention-seeking, and that is a fact. Even I am, despite how much it annoys me to need other people’s attention.

But I will at least do my part to own who I am and acknowledge my pain and struggles, my need for healing, and my recognition that I, too, need liberation from these systems that oppress me and others like myself.

So I’m writing this because I need to feel more confident about myself. But also, I’m writing this so that I can remember who I really am.

You see, this Substack was supposed to be an insult to me hurled by someone who doesn’t have enough empathy to respect my existence. But, just like with every struggle that I have ever experienced or faced, this Substack will now be a method of my own liberation, illumination, and celebration as a result.

And the changiest period of any year, for me, has always been the end of the year but not the actual new year that comes. For me, change must happen before the big deal comes through, which is why I start this portion of my healing journey now.

And, yes, I am also on social media, and though I have been inactive for a bit at this point, you can still find me on Instagram, Threads, YouTube, Twitch and TikTok. I’m coming back in the new year and giving a bit of context to these posts that I will write on this Substack.

So my goal with this Substack is to place my energy here, in terms of writing prolifically, in large quantity, with the quality that I always try to place in my writing and everything else that I do, and from my perspective on life and my healing journey. After all, my narrative, experiences, and perspective always seems to shatter others’ perspectives since my line of thought is just that different in many ways, hence the name: “Mindblown”.

If you don’t mind supporting me on this journey, please hit that “Subscribe+” button to stay updated - regardless of whether or not you choose to pay. I intend on keeping most of my posts public, with more sensitive posts being hidden behind that paywall, at least once I have an audience willing to pay (even just one person, honestly). But I also want my story to be as accessible as possible, while being able to help support myself and my family (of which I am the main breadwinner), as well as finally have some money to be able to use to provide mutual aid (I have quite a bit of trouble with keeping money, so I made sure that any subscription payments are hidden in a checking account that I can’t really readily access).

But, in any case, please feel free to read on, live your lives, and to be happy, I will try to do the same as well.

I just hope that you’re willing to stand, walk, sit, etc. by me in this journey, as I heal, experience pain and sadness, feel joy and new beginnings, and the rest of the full gamut of emotions that we are meant to feel, as humans, in this wonderful thing called “life”.

So this is Mindblown, by Fornesus.

Subscribe now