2024: My year of deeply reflecting on myself (and unlearning myself to grow)

2024 was a tumultuous year for me, a stranger on the internet. But maybe this holds some lessons that could be valuable for you.

NOTE: I found this in my drafts and decided to finish it as it has been one hell of a year.

February 2024:

I have spent far too much time worried about the way that others perceive me.

I have tried everything in my power to undo what I believe are “bad behaviors” and have tried to do more “positive” things with my life.

But, every time I do this, I feel a part of me dying, soon, lacking the capacity to be happy and suffering with the chronic depression that I have now.

However, in December of 2023, I made the choice to join Coursera which, alone, can help many people reach their professional and personal goals due to the rich array of subject matters that you can learn there.

For me, the value really wasn’t the coursework, it was the shift in mindset that it has given me. I no longer believe that I am in zero control of my life or my future and, while these things still scare the hell out of me, I at least understand that I can live a good life and see my own value.

As a chronic people pleaser, it’s very difficult for me not to want to take others’ advice, even when it’s completely inapplicable to me or my goals.

But what I never regret is learning how to do things, and so joining Coursera has opened up mental doors and an innate curiosity that I thought had died in me long ago.

January 2025:

But that wasn’t enough, because the chronic people pleaser in me always wins at the end of the day, but they also end up taking me on adventures that I didn’t realize that I was capable of taking.

This post is being revisited by your’s truly almost a year later.

Losing Coursera, and myself:

So, I ended up slacking off with Coursera. When I lost my dog, Kiba, I lost my hope and love for life. I ended up using several gambling apps and lost several hundred dollars, though not before I caught myself before I could lose more. Two of the apps were for solitaire, while another one was technically a legitimate, though addictive, photography game app wherein I learned a lot about photography in a short period of time.

However, I soon realized that I simply used the platform as a way to honor Kiba as so many of the photos that I submitted were of her, and so when these photos would not get the recognition that I believed that they deserved, I felt hurt.

So I quit. Hundreds of dollars later, I just deleted my account, even though I technically won a few features here and there. I knew that I wasn’t a “real” photographer in that mindset, and I still am not, it just isn’t the time yet, though I know that the time will come, and it will not be out of grief but, rather, sheer curiosity, the way that everything good happens to me.

Cookie:

In any case, reeling from Kiba’s passing and my short-term addiction (to gambling apps) that resulted in dual reasons for deep bouts of anger, I ended up adopting another dog, Cookie. Though she’s a lot closer to my parents, I have learned to calm down again, I have learned to love again, and I have learned to do so while honoring Kiba. She’s also a bit of a hassle in that she’s brilliant and, just yesterday, learned how to open my bedroom door, so now I have to worry about her waking me up prematurely like she did yesterday.

I know this sounds odd:

Anyway yes, I know, it sounds weird coming from someone who is now 31 years old (as an October baby, I was 30 for most of last year) but I have only felt deep love and affection from animals vs. humans. First it was Mayu, Kiba’s sister who passed away in 2016, then it was Kiba, and now, Cookie.

I now have a meditation habit that I have kept up since late March of last year, something that I never thought that I could actually do. Though I still have bouts of anger (perfectionism sucks when you have OCD), I at least understand how to control it in most situations and, for the most part, I feel a lot better now about my relationship with meditation vs. before Kiba’s passing.

My guilt, however, is that Kiba was subject to years of seeing me angry and having meltdowns. I’m autistic, I literally can’t help it, and I wish that I could. But at least Cookie’s getting to know who I am without meltdowns and, to be honest, she’s a lot more fussy than I am on average.

Another ritual that I have kept up has been talking to Kiba every day. My parents drove 40 miles (and back) on the day that Kiba passed away (which was the same day that I had an outpatient sinus surgery) to have her cremated as I feared that I would lose this house and not be able to hold Kiba again (because that’s what happened when we lost our house in 2018, and the new owner has, since, desecrated my grave for Mayu according to Google Maps).

This has been an important practice as the only beings in this world that I truly trust are now gone. Even if it makes zero sense, at least speaking to Kiba every day means that I get to share my highs and lows with her, even though she’s gone, and I don’t even have to go outside to do it either.

Finding Myself in Data:

So, in the year since, I applied for and was admitted into graduate school for programs in Data Science, Computer Information Systems, and Information Technology. I chose to move forward with a Master’s in Data Science program at Boston University’s Faculty of Computing and Data Sciences.

Why do any of this? Well, in February of last year, I decided that I wanted to become a data analyst, and then work caught wind of this and I ended up performing data analytic projects well beyond what I had previously thought to be my scope. And so I thought, “why not push further?” and I did.

Of course, I was nervous, it took me so long to submit that first application because “what if?” What if I get rejected? What if I don’t do well in the program?

And then my grandmother passed, my last living grandparent. And then I started to remember my grandfather, and all of the aspirations that my grandparents had for me. Do I owe them a legacy?

Probably not.

But I owe myself the same belief that they had in me.

The weekend after my grandmother passed away, I submitted my first application to Boston University’s Metropolitan College, whose online CIS program is ranked in 8th place amongst all online IT programs in the US. A few weeks later, I got in. I also managed to apply for Kennesaw State University’s MSIT program (ranked 22nd) and was also admitted, and I also applied for Florida State University’s MSIT program (ranked 9th) and was also eventually admitted in late-August.

Then I realized that “Hey, I actually like this data stuff, wouldn’t it make more sense to try to join a program in that?”, and so I took a $90 risk and applied for Boston University’s online MS in Data Science program, an experimental program (literally the first time they’ve offered it).

I got in.

Now, this was a bit complex since I had already accepted the offer from BU MET, however, I also knew that this program would probably suit me better (it does). I, then, had to make the difficult decision to rescind my acceptance to BU MET (which was met with a surprisingly emotionally charged email about how they can still offer other classes to me) and, next, I ended up joining BU CDS.

It has been rough as, between school and things changing at work, I have been juggling with so much.

Why I need a change:

Because, despite working full time and dealing with various changes at work, I maintained a 4.0 GPA this semester. I’m beyond surprised even at myself for being able to do this. I had no idea that I had it in me, even though I graduated with a 4.0 GPA from university, but only received a Bachelor of Arts degree, not an Master of Science degree.

Meanwhile, despite having accommodations at work, there are clear signals that I may lose them, even though they are necessary for me to be able to do my job in the first place. This is, by the way, against the law here in the US according to the ADA, but a large company doesn’t care about this as they have unlimited resources, right?

But I have to care about my mental health and career prospects. So, while most people would disagree, I am positioning myself as someone who will have to quit my job or be laid off (as there are currently rounds of layoffs coming as well), for the sake of my future.

Between this entire situation, being fully capable of doing work, even in academia perhaps, and my growing distaste of my home state of Texas, there are clear signs that I need a change from my current environment and situation, especially as continuing to live here means that my family will be perpetually $2k in the hole every month, which sounds ridiculous but it is unfortunately where I am in my life with my family (my parents, Cookie, and your’s truly).

My parents want me to tough out the situation as, to them, it is more important to maintain short-term survival but, for myself, I am dedicated to my future - even with short term pain.

I may not know what’s in store for my 2025, but what I do know is to trust myself, as my intuition has always done right by me. It doesn’t matter that my company is in the Fortune ___, I am not simply defined by my company. I have hopes, dreams, and goals in this life to aspire to and, while maybe the American dream is dead for me, my backup option is to go to the land of my ancestors: the Philippines, where the cost of living is affordable and where disabled Philippine citizens are eligible for free healthcare options.

It is still taking some convincing to let my parents understand that this is what’s best for my future as being $2k in the hole every month, wasting away at a corporate job that doesn’t truly value me or is willing to accommodate me, and proving to myself just how beyond competent I am at learning new material, concepts, and things, I need to stop settling and allow myself to thrive - even if it means going back to Square One.

The trap of sunk cost

Sunk cost fallacy entraps us, as it fools us into believing that all decisions (and their consequences) are permanent. I have fallen into the trap several times in my adult life, but I have also gotten myself out of this same trap. I know better than to believe that settling is the best option, even if it may risk my family’s life here and even if others may call it selfish.

I would rather be happy. I would rather stop myself from the suicidal ideation that takes so many autistic lives every year (hence, why our life span is between 39 and 52 years old). I would rather be more educated, and explore, and be innovative. I’m done with simply playing it safe, as this strategy has taken some of the best years of my life away from me while developing into physical and mental ailments that I am still suffering from to this day.

The trap of sunk cost made me believe that I was not good enough to live a fulfilling life.

Freedom from this trap means that I see myself as worthy of living such a life without compromising my morals, health, and wellness in the ways that I do in my current role.

Of course, I’m not unreasonable.

If I do, indeed, keep my accomodations, this will go a long way towards empowering me to continue in my current role, but the every few month window of “review” is a source of perpetual uncertainty so long as I stay where I currently am.

The mantra of not being “a work from home company” is, not only disconcerting but, also, worries me about the long-term viability of the company, itself.

Considering that work from home provides an unequivocal net gain for productivity (including those gains that I have seen in my own work) and remote work has been found to result in more competitive operations, there is no excuse for any company to operate in such a manner to where they are willing to risk breaking the law (in this regard) to tow the company line.

This difference in values and expectations between what’s possible for me and my health conditions and what is deemed “necessary” for compliance places me at a pivotal crossroads in my career.

Stay with a “respected” company that doesn’t seem to respect its workers just because it pays well, or find my own path as I should have done in my 20’s but was deprived of the opportunity just because I took on the burden of supporting my parents and myself?

So, what’s next?

Well, hopefully this means that I can find a different position in life.

Hopefully this means that I will maintain high grades.

Hopefully this means that I will be in a better job situation and have less familial debt.

Hopefully, I will understand what it means to be truly happy, and free to be me.

Salamat para sa pagbabasa niyo (Thank you for reading).

Best regards,

Fornesus