Who Is Toffee?

Hey everyone, I'm Toffee Fornesus, but I usually just call myself "Fornesus" on my socials or "Chris" online and in-person.

So, a few months ago, I was engaging in what, in hindsight, could best be described as “unproductive debate” to say the least, with someone who was triggered by a comment that I made under a post.

They claimed that I was stating the “right thing” but the wrong conclusion on a topic.

Then they stated that I was being ignorant for making the mindful connections between white supremacy and the general lack of empathy that we have all probably noticed, by now, in society.

Finally, after stating the breadth of information that I had to back my claim, they told me that “they didn’t have the time to read my Substack”.

I was like “huh? I’m literally neurodivergent and this is how I communicate”.

To which they replied “Ha! I’m neurodivergent too, but you’re not [this same exact identity of the person who authored the post] so your opinion’s irrelevant!”

To which my response was an immediate block, because it unfortunately takes a VERY long time for me to realize when a “debate” is meaningless.

But, anyway, who am I and why should you even read a single thing that I type?

Honestly, that’s for you to decide. But, hopefully, you’ve made it this far into this post and so maybe I have something to contribute after all to the social discourse.

And, also to be honest, that conversation resonated with me, and not because I found any value in that person’s opinion (though I’m sure that they’re lovely when they aren’t being ignorant about the role of white supremacy in the global context) but because I honestly don’t know if my opinion actually matters - yet, I have someone telling me that I should keep my opinions on my Substack.

So lo and behold, here it is. My opinion, on Substack, months later… Finally!

And there’s me with my dog.

That’s very important because, even though she isn’t trained to be an emotional support animal, she does a great job at being one, even at the age of 17.

…anyway…

I’m here because I have spent the vast majority of the 30 years that I have been on this earth believing that my life, words, thoughts, and perspectives are irrelevant. Even though many people, over the years, have seen value in it, I haven’t and, in fact, I often detach - from social media, from art, from my hobbies, and from people. I often feel so insecure from the general feelings of body dysmorphia and the many ego deaths that I go through on a regular basis that I refuse to value my perspective and, instead, use a deep-seeded resentment against humanity (despite my deep level of empathy that I can have for my fellow humans as well) as justification to dissociate and, as a result: detach.

And, as much as I would like to say that I’m completely over these feelings, this has been my perspective throughout my entire life - and the best that I can honestly do is to hope that enough good times come out of this life to counterbalance this existential, psychological, and emotional dread that I feel on a regular basis.

I am gay, queer, autistic, and have OCD, but these are things that I have known about myself for years. I am also nonbinary, Bakla (AMAB who sees ourselves as a third gender, per Filipino tradition), have ADHD, have moderate anxiety (that can become severe), have CPTSD (like I literally can’t pinpoint any one exact reason for this), and have PDD (persistent depressive disorder). I still have to live life just like anyone else and, as a result, I still want validation from my fellow human beings.

Validation.

What a nasty word in my vocabulary - I literally hate that I need validation, which leads me to defaulting to people-pleasing behavior 24/7.

But I also want to shift this narrative for a change.

Yes, I am human, I need validation, and I am part of a social species. We are all attention-seeking, and that is a fact. Even I am, despite how much it annoys me to need other people’s attention.

But I will at least do my part to own who I am and acknowledge my pain and struggles, my need for healing, and my recognition that I, too, need liberation from these systems that oppress me and others like myself.

So I’m writing this because I need to feel more confident about myself. But also, I’m writing this so that I can remember who I really am.

You see, this Substack was supposed to be an insult to me hurled by someone who doesn’t have enough empathy to respect my existence. But, just like with every struggle that I have ever experienced or faced, this Substack will now be a method of my own liberation, illumination, and celebration as a result.

And the changiest period of any year, for me, has always been the end of the year but not the actual new year that comes. For me, change must happen before the big deal comes through, which is why I start this portion of my healing journey now.

And, yes, I am also on social media, and though I have been inactive for a bit at this point, you can still find me on Instagram, Threads, YouTube, Twitch and TikTok. I’m coming back in the new year and giving a bit of context to these posts that I will write on this Substack.

So my goal with this Substack is to place my energy here, in terms of writing prolifically, in large quantity, with the quality that I always try to place in my writing and everything else that I do, and from my perspective on life and my healing journey. After all, my narrative, experiences, and perspective always seems to shatter others’ perspectives since my line of thought is just that different in many ways, hence the name: “Mindblown”.

If you don’t mind supporting me on this journey, please hit that “Subscribe+” button to stay updated - regardless of whether or not you choose to pay. I intend on keeping most of my posts public, with more sensitive posts being hidden behind that paywall, at least once I have an audience willing to pay (even just one person, honestly). But I also want my story to be as accessible as possible, while being able to help support myself and my family (of which I am the main breadwinner), as well as finally have some money to be able to use to provide mutual aid (I have quite a bit of trouble with keeping money, so I made sure that any subscription payments are hidden in a checking account that I can’t really readily access).

But, in any case, please feel free to read on, live your lives, and to be happy, I will try to do the same as well.

I just hope that you’re willing to stand, walk, sit, etc. by me in this journey, as I heal, experience pain and sadness, feel joy and new beginnings, and the rest of the full gamut of emotions that we are meant to feel, as humans, in this wonderful thing called “life”.

So this is Mindblown, by Fornesus.